Identifying recurring symbols within my art to create a moodboard
In preparation for the Major Project, I had noted down initial ideas brainstormed over the summer.
These included general visual inspirations such as:
backrooms
liminal spaces
neon cities
Since the concept for our project is largely based on my own personal memories and mental state, my aim is to design a virtual world and experience which represents a combination of real life places I've been and lived, as well as the intangible imagined spaces I've created in dreams or as safe spaces in my own internal world. In my creative practice, I have always gravitated towards imagery which gives an airy, dreamy, otherworldly atmosphere. For example, playing with coloured lights, projectors, mirrors and reflections, bokeh, soft focus, double exposure, shadows clouds, etc. I think this kind of aesthetic reflects my tendency to seek out fantasy, escapism, and alternate realities when looking for a coping mechanism against mental distress. It can also be linked to the dissociation and derealisation I've experienced as a result.
Dreams
The imagery of dreams has been a constant theme in how I perceive my life and memories. Both my brother and I have used our dreams' content for inspiration when writing songs. The way dreams construct a set of logic and version of reality that our subconscious readily accepts as truth is an interesting concept to me as it's the only space where anything can be possible without much question --- at least in the way you experience it at the time. Of course, when you wake up you're likely to think, "What was that about? That made no sense," but at the time, it did.
"I dreamt the world ended in a flood and I climbed the jungle gym to stay above" cellophane, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"Are you living the dream or living in a dream you don’t know how to wake up from?" are you sure you're awake, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)
"I think the dreams I've been having where I'm flying / but not long till I hit the ground / are familiar like how in real life my own weight seems to drag me down" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
This contradicting feeling is one that resonates with me and the symptoms I felt that caused me to feel detached from reality and my own life experiences. Dreams can also make you feel as though you are experiencing something from the perspective of someone else.
Research into the definitions of dissociation, like these examples on mind.org, shows that these are common descriptions of how things like dissociation, derealisation, and depersonalisation can feel. After feeling this way for years, it was sort of validating to learn there were terms for it, and that it was common for people struggling with mental illness, such as depression and anxiety, to feel the same way.
At some point, I realised that therapy wasn't working for me the way I wanted it to because I'd learned how to intellectualise my feelings -- I was analysing them objectively instead of fully processing and being vulnerable enough to embrace them for what they were, instead of what I thought they "should" be. I'd often written about feeling like I was a character, like in a book or movie or video game where, although I was witnessing the events from a first-person point-of-view, it didn't feel like my own. This is part of why choosing a video game as the medium for our project feels most effective.
"Look through eyes closing but I can still see everything" are you sure you're awake, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)
"I'm just like everyone else but I don't wanna be me / I'm not the perfect person that I'm pretending to be but I believed I was" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
Naturally, most of my lyrics reflect these phenomena. As I read more about these, I find that they match exactly what I've recorded in my songs and diaries.
"I don't remember much if I'm honest / I've been so out of touch since August" runaway, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"There should be residue / that's just what memories do / but they all feel sterile in this white room" reality is a fever dream, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"And it reminds me of some memory I can't recall and I think that's been this whole year long" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"I'm afraid I'm insane 'cause the world's wrapped in cellophane so that's all I can touch" cellophane, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"In a world of construction paper, I know I can't stay" i'm in love with a stranger, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"I get tired of sleepless mornings / real life just feels so foreign / take me back to where I'm wanted / I can't be here, please just take me home" sleepless mornings, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)
"I think that I've realized that I don't treat people like they're real" alter your moral compass, songs that sound the same (2022)
Due to the prominence of dreams across my work and personal brand, I thought it might be interesting to incorporate dreamt places in the video game's world. Dreams have influenced the cover art and ideas we've had for our branding. For example, Liam recently texted me about a dream he had:
The space he dreamt seemed largely based on a concept in the manga/anime, Jujutsu Kaisen and this ability one of the characters, Satarou Gojo has called The Domain Expansion. His description, however, reminded me of Yayoi Kusama's infinity mirror rooms (which our older brother's own CMP Final Major Project was based on) and our project from Media Frontiers 2022. He also compared it to The Sphere in Las Vegas.
While Liam seems to draw inspiration from Japanese culture, mythology, anime, music, etc., my creativity was largely fostered by my love for reading fiction books when I was younger. I'd loved reading about and imagining dystopian and fantasy worlds. My brother and I also grew up playing games like Minecraft, where I favoured the creative mode to bring these imagined worlds to life, or see other players do so.
When trying to figure out a word to describe the overarching aesthetic I and my work have, I searched things relating to fae, dreams, fairycore etc. I concluded that 'ethereal' came up with results that most matched my vibe:
Flowers
The connotations behind flowers usually vary depending on the specific type of flower. They can symbolise love, friendship, life, rebirth, purity, innocence, beauty, decay, etc. While borderline cliche, I've used flowers as a repeated metaphor in my writing.
"Now I keep dried up flowers in my bedside table drawer" sidewalk chalk, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"She keeps lavender in an empty glass bottle and sings songs about running away" i'm in love with a stranger, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
It was either in year 9 or during GCSE's that I learned how to make daisy chains --- and I made a lot. From the daisies in the grass outside our school, or the park across the street from my old flat, I couldn't resist picking them and linking them. They quickly became my favourite flower. After I'd moved away, daisy chains became a symbol for my nostalgia and what used to be the happiest memories of my life. Because of that, I always compared the loss of my more care-free, innocent years, to the way my daisy chains always dried up and died. And of course, I wrote a poem about it:
"July was made out of daisy chains that withered away" runaway, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)
"I know the daisy chains all died because I picked them" charlie, reality is a fever dream, baby
While looking through my diaries and songbook, I found that I've actually already done this before. As I was planning my album release, 'reality is a fever dream, baby,' I noted down recurring symbols and metaphors to better summarise the album's themes.
Funnily enough, this in itself seems to be a common occurrence for me -- looking for patterns of meaning in anything like I really am living in a novel.
This process of planning this project feels more like the rebirth of the supposed 'romantic' I wrote about before but I digress. There's other blogs to write.
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