Let's Play: A Taste of the Past & Resonance of the Ocean

In order to help me figure out how to write the plot for our game project, I've been searching steam for games under the tags 'interactive narrative,' 'adventure,' 'story-rich,' 'visual novel,' 'RPG,' 'Open World,' 'Emotional,' etc. to learn how storytelling has been done in existing video games.

The first one I played was an indie sidescroller game called A Taste of the Past.

Since it only took 30 minutes to playthrough, I suppose there wasn't too much to expect from the story. The shortness made it hard to develop much of a connection to the characters or establish much background to the conflict, lacking nuance and making the protagonist's own emotional conflict feel shallow and somewhat forced. As a result, the final reunion the whole game lead up to didn't feel all that cathartic to me, but it may just be my lack of personal relatability. That being said, it was still a heartfelt, poetic, and overall beautiful game with a message that I can definitely see why it resonates with so many people who have experienced grief and loss. Although, I did start to feel emotional during the beginning dialogue so I think perhaps the absence of the subject of conversation was a more effective way to present the theme. After all, I feel like the feeling of loss is largely about the things you'll never get to say and do, so giving her a chance to seems to defeat the purpose.

In terms of gameplay, the visual novel aspect of the game means that the story is told through the main character, Mei's conversations with other characters-- her ancestors she meets as she passes through the train cars. The interactivity is limited to minor dialogue options and short cooking minigames. I may just be stupid but the controls didn't seem very clear and I probably wouldn't have known how to simply move around (or that I had to) if I didn't have previous knowledge of computer gaming.

Resonance of the Ocean was a similarly short puzzle game where you play to match sounds playing across the ocean by making instruments out of items washed ashore. Although the storyline seemed intriguing -- communicating with the mysterious source of the sound and finding cryptic journal entries in an abandoned broken down hut in the final level -- it ends right as it gets interesting. There is never any answer to the suddenly introduced aspects of the mystery of the sound or the hut or the island nor much evidence to speculate about what they could've been hinting happened there. For this reason, I found it very unsatisfying. However, the simple gameplay mechanics of making instruments and matching pitch was fun enough in the short time it took.

Overall, I don't think these games gave me much to work with in terms of inspiration but it was very useful in figuring out how to record and edit future video game playthrough videos for longer games. Starting with free indie games was a good experience that made me excited to try more.

Other than the fact that the cost will definitely add up :,)

Similar games on my Steam wishlist (in order of game length):

1. Behind the Frame || 1-2 hours

2. Love Choice || 1-2 hours

3. Life is Strange Episode 1 || 2-3 hours

4. To The Moon || 4-5 hours

5. Lake || 6-8 hours

6. SEASON: A letter to the future || 6-10 hours

Total: 20-30 hours

Steam wishlist (in order of price):

1. Love Choice £1.69

2. To The Moon £8.50

3. Behind the Frame £10.99

4. Lake £15.99

5. Life is Strange (Episodes 1-5 Complete Season) £15.99

6. SEASON: A letter to the future £20.99

Total: £74.15

Nostalgia, Memory, & Growing Up

Documenting my return to my hometown: a journal entry & practical experimentation

This summer, my holiday ended with a last minute trip to my hometown in Toronto, Canada. It was a very last minute thing --- my parents arranged for my return flight to be moved so that I could join them in the last week of my trip before coming back to start my third and final year of university. It was the first time I'd gone back in years and although I swore I never wanted to go back, something had been pulling me to return for some time now. Like I had to see it for myself to know for sure.

On our way to Toronto from Hawaii, we had a layover in Vancouver so we could visit my older brother, Milton, and my grandpa who is now living in a long term care home with dementia. I'd known my grandpa was getting older and subsequently smaller and more frail while I'd been gone but I think a part of me didn't want to face it. But I walked through the door of his room and saw him lying in bed and it all hit me at once.

He wouldn't stop insisting he must be dreaming. "It's been so long," he said. About 7 years.

I watched my dad try to hide his tears on the plane and in the car. I visited my mom's dad's gravestone that hadn't even been engraved yet since it'd only been around 3 months since his passing. My mom talks to his picture on her phone lock screen sometimes. My aunt has two dogs now and all the little kids I grew up with are older than I was when I left. All the teachers I had in elementary school have left and my hometown is so much quieter than I remember. The city is smaller now that I'm not and all I can do about it is make art.

I used to want to write a book. Something almost autobiographical and poetic. But all I could muster was 2-5 minute songs. I don't think I fully realised I was already writing my autobiography through my music. If I hadn't, I'm not sure I'd remember as much as I do now.

But even then, it's in fragments. Something about this year and the summer just past has really made me confront my mortality. Even as I reached legal adulthood, I still didn't feel grown up. But now, I'm watching myself and everyone around me grow up and it's throwing me into a whole new identity crisis. It feels like up until now I'd been trying to piece together puzzle pieces from separate boxes or one that was given to me disassembled without a picture on the box to tell me what it was meant to look like complete. I'd been half expecting some epiphany that would reveal the bigger picture and the hidden truth to me all at once if I just kept going back to where I was last every time I moved somewhere different. But it didn't happen. The past I was both running away from and looking for feels as familiar to me as a hazy recurring dream.

I want to make this dream world as tangible as I can so I have something to show for it all.

"I'm all grown up but I'm still just a kid" are you sure you're awake, filling in the spaces (2021)

filling in the spaces: A Virtual World

Significant places in my memory:

• The little white room

• My back garden (Hawaii Kai)

• The jungle gym (Richmond Hill)

• Sleepless mornings alleyway

• STSTS rooftop

• Filling in the spaces train

• My bedroom in Toronto (Richmond Hill)

• Charlie’s bedroom / garden (London)

• Hampstead Heath / tree (London)

• Eve’s car ? (AYSYA)

• My old kitchen / the easter hunt video (Richmond Hill)

• Alice and Grant’s old apartment (Vancouver)

Concept: A video game world representing my personal struggles with memory disruption as a result of emotional distress and trauma, as well as experiences of derealisation and dissociation causing a disconnect from sense of identity and external reality.

Gameplay:

The map will be an amalgamation of places I’ve lived and been – the parts I remember of them blending together into one world.

Each location will have its own short puzzles and mini game challenges that must be completed to progress with the “story.” Completion will allow the player to collect an item revealing a “piece” of the story e.g. diary pages, VHS tapes, photographs in an album, etc.

Levels named after song titles? E.g. chapter 1: runaway

Grassy - charlie’s garden, my back garden, playground jungle gym

City - alleyway, rooftop, train, apartment

House - my bedroom, charlie’s bedroom, old kitchen

"I lost the diaries that I used to keep to lock up my childhood crush / I don't remember much if I'm honest" runaway, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

'filling in the spaces' was the first EP I wrote and released with my younger brother, Liam. Many of the songs were ones we worked on during the 2020 lockdown when being stuck in quarantine caused my mental state to occupy imagined spaces and unreal worlds. I thought the title could be suitable for our project since the concept for the narrative is like a journey of "filling in the spaces" of memory and meaning for the player/protagonist (versions of myself).

The EP's third track, 'sleepless mornings' was the single that started the project, as part of a music production masterclass my brother was taking. The album cover art, commissioned by our friend, Crystal Legaspino, was a representation of some of these imagined places as informed by some of Liam's own dreams.

Many of the visual inspirations for the covers were largely influenced by Japanese anime, neon cities, city pop, lo-fi, etc.

A consistent feature of the cover art was the illustrated versions of ourselves in these spaces to add a personal touch to it. Crystal was able to implement our likeness into the drawings using reference photos we took of ourselves posing in real life.

Similarly, I think creating a video game avatar of myself to put in the virtual world would be a step-up from this idea. It would enable me to explore the sum of my creative visions over the years and hopefully express something possibly profound about the nature of memory, growing up, and the human experience, through an auto-fiction approach -- combining fictive elements with autobiography (as Peter Dukes suggested it seemed the case).

Making Work About My Childhood Homes

When I was back in Richmond Hill, my family visited all of our old houses. I've lived in many places since moving away from my childhood homes so it was a strange experience noticing how unfamiliar the neighbourhoods felt to me in person when they can be so viscerally melancholic and whole in my memory.

Last week, I was stuck on how to visualise the layout of my house for Joud to make into a 3D model. After attempting sketches of the interior from memory, I decided to experiment with photos of the outside instead.

I had taken a couple photos of two of my old houses while my family did a drive by tour of our old neighbourhood but they weren't clear enough to work with. So I searched the addresses on Google Earth and took screenshots before putting them into Photoshop.

I wanted to try to combine parts of each house in a sort of collage by cutting and pasting them onto one photo. However, I thought there was something poignant about just the transparent space left behind after cutting out the houses.

26 Avenue, BC

Carnoustie Crescent, ON

Serano Crescent, ON

After selecting windows, doors, balconies, etc. and arranging them into one house, I added a photo I took of a sunset in Hawaii as the background for the sky.

It felt like something was missing so I decided to export it to my iPad so I could write or draw over it -- adding to the collage aesthetic. I chose a few lines from a note I'd been keeping over the summer where I wrote possible lyrics or poetry lines about growing up (something about living alone for the first half of the summer really made me confront my own mortality).

Since I used these lines, I really wanted to actually use them in a song. So for the past couple of days I've been experimenting with AI generated chord progressions on an app called Demo and writing and rewriting lyrics to a song I've been meaning to write for awhile. I chose the song title after the street I lived on for most of my childhood. Working from the document, these are the final lyrics as of last night:

carnoustie crescent

Cmaj7 C6 Am7 F6 Fmaj7

Cmaj7 C6 Am7 F6 Fmaj7 C/G F6

i know these trees i know this drive

it’s the same route home after all this time

and i know i grew up under this very same sky but i lied

there’s not a stone in this road i recognize

paper bag with a hole inside

all my things on the pavement in a line

found myself back in my hometown for the first time in awhile so we drive

and at the end of the road i realize

C G Am7 Fmaj7

long time coming but i’m finally feeling older

walking back home and nights are getting colder

worried i’ll wake up when it’s already over

where did the time go?

grieving for deaths that haven’t even happened

watching my dad seeing his own again

what do you know? i’m becoming just like him

where did the time go?

Am7 Fmaj7 F6 G7 G

when did i live all these lives?

if i was her then who am i?

what is there that i still need to find?

Cmaj7 C6 Am7 F6 Fmaj7

Cmaj7 C6 Am7 F6 Fmaj7 C/G F6

run around in a school playground

no familiar faces left to see me bigger now

and nobody ever tells you what you should’ve noted down, should’ve kept

and what to do with all the rest

C G Am7 Fmaj7

middle school’s a battlefield i’m hardly a soldier

it’s my own world resting all on my shoulders

would she be great if only someone had told her

don’t let the time go

Am7 Fmaj7 F6 G7 G

when did i live all these lives?

if i was her then who am i?

what is there that i still need to find?

C G Am7 Fmaj7

and i’m standing in the garage feeling like i got robbed

cause i can’t find it on carnoustie crescent

and my mom cries now her dad is gone and her first son won’t call

while i’m here in the kitchen making breakfast

Am7 Fmaj7 F6 G7 G

and i don’t know if i left

but i can’t let go just yet

C G Am7 Fmaj7

summer at my parents’ house

learning how to be well

my little cousin catching tadpoles in a seashell

maybe i’ll learn how to be myself

and finally let go

I also made a very very rough very low quality recording of the song to document the melody in full: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ay8FhnvrZNdSWykaP25rFQRqQqUlN_BO/view?usp=sharing

I think the song might be nice to have as part of the games credits or as the final song you collect when you finish the last level or challenge of the game. I'd like to also try making a music video made with archival footage from my family's home videos.

Ethereal, Dreamlike, & Liminal Spaces

Identifying recurring symbols within my art to create a moodboard

sleepless mornings

sleepless mornings

i'm in love with a stranger

trendy

somebody else (The1975 cover)

reality is a fever dream, baby

Narcissus by Sherrie He

Niumalu Loop, 2019

Narcissus by Sherrie He

what... about the flowers?

reality is a fever dream, baby

Niumalu Loop, 2019

reality is a fever dream, baby

Ainahou Street, 2020

In preparation for the Major Project, I had noted down initial ideas brainstormed over the summer.

These included general visual inspirations such as:

• backrooms

• liminal spaces

• neon cities

Since the concept for our project is largely based on my own personal memories and mental state, my aim is to design a virtual world and experience which represents a combination of real life places I've been and lived, as well as the intangible imagined spaces I've created in dreams or as safe spaces in my own internal world. In my creative practice, I have always gravitated towards imagery which gives an airy, dreamy, otherworldly atmosphere. For example, playing with coloured lights, projectors, mirrors and reflections, bokeh, soft focus, double exposure, shadows clouds, etc. I think this kind of aesthetic reflects my tendency to seek out fantasy, escapism, and alternate realities when looking for a coping mechanism against mental distress. It can also be linked to the dissociation and derealisation I've experienced as a result.

Creativity & Collaboration (2021): Documentary pre-production moodboard

Dreams

The imagery of dreams has been a constant theme in how I perceive my life and memories. Both my brother and I have used our dreams' content for inspiration when writing songs. The way dreams construct a set of logic and version of reality that our subconscious readily accepts as truth is an interesting concept to me as it's the only space where anything can be possible without much question --- at least in the way you experience it at the time. Of course, when you wake up you're likely to think, "What was that about? That made no sense," but at the time, it did.

"I dreamt the world ended in a flood and I climbed the jungle gym to stay above" cellophane, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"Are you living the dream or living in a dream you don’t know how to wake up from?" are you sure you're awake, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)

"I think the dreams I've been having where I'm flying / but not long till I hit the ground / are familiar like how in real life my own weight seems to drag me down" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

This contradicting feeling is one that resonates with me and the symptoms I felt that caused me to feel detached from reality and my own life experiences. Dreams can also make you feel as though you are experiencing something from the perspective of someone else.

Research into the definitions of dissociation, like these examples on mind.org, shows that these are common descriptions of how things like dissociation, derealisation, and depersonalisation can feel. After feeling this way for years, it was sort of validating to learn there were terms for it, and that it was common for people struggling with mental illness, such as depression and anxiety, to feel the same way.

At some point, I realised that therapy wasn't working for me the way I wanted it to because I'd learned how to intellectualise my feelings -- I was analysing them objectively instead of fully processing and being vulnerable enough to embrace them for what they were, instead of what I thought they "should" be. I'd often written about feeling like I was a character, like in a book or movie or video game where, although I was witnessing the events from a first-person point-of-view, it didn't feel like my own. This is part of why choosing a video game as the medium for our project feels most effective.

"Look through eyes closing but I can still see everything" are you sure you're awake, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)

"I'm just like everyone else but I don't wanna be me / I'm not the perfect person that I'm pretending to be but I believed I was" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

Naturally, most of my lyrics reflect these phenomena. As I read more about these, I find that they match exactly what I've recorded in my songs and diaries.

"I don't remember much if I'm honest / I've been so out of touch since August" runaway, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"There should be residue / that's just what memories do / but they all feel sterile in this white room" reality is a fever dream, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"And it reminds me of some memory I can't recall and I think that's been this whole year long" no one believed, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"I'm afraid I'm insane 'cause the world's wrapped in cellophane so that's all I can touch" cellophane, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"In a world of construction paper, I know I can't stay" i'm in love with a stranger, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"I get tired of sleepless mornings / real life just feels so foreign / take me back to where I'm wanted / I can't be here, please just take me home" sleepless mornings, filling in the spaces (2020 - 2021)

"I think that I've realized that I don't treat people like they're real" alter your moral compass, songs that sound the same (2022)

Due to the prominence of dreams across my work and personal brand, I thought it might be interesting to incorporate dreamt places in the video game's world. Dreams have influenced the cover art and ideas we've had for our branding. For example, Liam recently texted me about a dream he had:

The space he dreamt seemed largely based on a concept in the manga/anime, Jujutsu Kaisen and this ability one of the characters, Satarou Gojo has called The Domain Expansion. His description, however, reminded me of Yayoi Kusama's infinity mirror rooms (which our older brother's own CMP Final Major Project was based on) and our project from Media Frontiers 2022. He also compared it to The Sphere in Las Vegas.

While Liam seems to draw inspiration from Japanese culture, mythology, anime, music, etc., my creativity was largely fostered by my love for reading fiction books when I was younger. I'd loved reading about and imagining dystopian and fantasy worlds. My brother and I also grew up playing games like Minecraft, where I favoured the creative mode to bring these imagined worlds to life, or see other players do so.

Folio Society Fairy Books - A collection of fairytale stories I have from childhood (not my picture)

When trying to figure out a word to describe the overarching aesthetic I and my work have, I searched things relating to fae, dreams, fairycore etc. I concluded that 'ethereal' came up with results that most matched my vibe:

Flowers

The connotations behind flowers usually vary depending on the specific type of flower. They can symbolise love, friendship, life, rebirth, purity, innocence, beauty, decay, etc. While borderline cliche, I've used flowers as a repeated metaphor in my writing.

"Now I keep dried up flowers in my bedside table drawer" sidewalk chalk, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"She keeps lavender in an empty glass bottle and sings songs about running away" i'm in love with a stranger, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

It was either in year 9 or during GCSE's that I learned how to make daisy chains --- and I made a lot. From the daisies in the grass outside our school, or the park across the street from my old flat, I couldn't resist picking them and linking them. They quickly became my favourite flower. After I'd moved away, daisy chains became a symbol for my nostalgia and what used to be the happiest memories of my life. Because of that, I always compared the loss of my more care-free, innocent years, to the way my daisy chains always dried up and died. And of course, I wrote a poem about it:

what happened to daisies (2020)

"July was made out of daisy chains that withered away" runaway, reality is a fever dream, baby (2020)

"I know the daisy chains all died because I picked them" charlie, reality is a fever dream, baby

While looking through my diaries and songbook, I found that I've actually already done this before. As I was planning my album release, 'reality is a fever dream, baby,' I noted down recurring symbols and metaphors to better summarise the album's themes.

Funnily enough, this in itself seems to be a common occurrence for me -- looking for patterns of meaning in anything like I really am living in a novel.

an old poem i wrote called 'the romantic'

This process of planning this project feels more like the rebirth of the supposed 'romantic' I wrote about before but I digress. There's other blogs to write.